since a lot of you need some help
Here are some New Year's Resolutions for many of you to rifle through and pick, just in case you haven't thought of any, or if you already quit your diet and/or workout routine, or perhaps even started smoking again:
1. When parking your car next to a grocery cart parking stall (you know those that litter the parking lot at grocery/retail stores), and you know that you need a cart, then pick one up from out there instead of getting a 'fresh' one from inside the store.
2. Take off those stupid ribbons from the back of your S.U.V., or at least limit yourself to one. Breast Cancer, Troop-Supporting, P.O.W.-honoring, and America-Loving all at once is a little bit too much to swallow, especially if you have the Breast Cancer ribbon and you happen to be a woman smoking and talking on the cell-phone while driving.
3. Stop saying "God Bless America", and start saying, "God Bless Peace", or "God Bless the World", or maybe even the risque "God Bless Mine Own Enemies". Besides, 'America' doesn't want God's blessings, because as an institution, she doesn't want His commandments at courthouses, His name in schools, or His prayers at the flagpole.
4. Spit on Hummers. Inform their owners that the only quality about a Hummer is the fact that it will make a great artificial reef when thrown into the ocean. You can't see around them, or through them. They burn tons of gas and take up two parking spots. They aren't carrying .50 caliber machine guns, and therefore cannot defend us on the highway from invasion. And they apparently are so interesting that we have Hummer limousines - the ultimate in Ameri-phallicism.
5. Stop your carb-dieting. If you want to lose some weight, do it the centuries-proven way: exercise, don't be gluttonous, don't eat McDonald's, limit your alcohol intake, don't inhale Crisco-laced processed meats that go in the microwave, don't depend on the sunlight and plant fertilizer to give you enough energy to go outside of your cubicle for a smoke. In other words, the only diet is to move enough to offset what you ate.
6. Give up the fascination with prescription-medications. For MOST people, the best thing you can do is adhere to resolution #5. A good jog 5 days out of the week will stimulate your mind and body more than ritalin, viagra, and Prozac.
7. Meet your neighbors, especially if you live in an apartment. If you don't know who lives in the six closest places to you, then its time to start living up to the word, "neighborly". It's quickly becoming a lost art in the age of convenience. It's actually a 'resolution' of my own.
8. If you are walking in a crowded public venue, such as the mall, airport, or downtown street, then please don't walk with your four friends or family members in a neat horizontal row, while enacting the pace of a sedated cow and talking about which fast food joint you're going to eat at. Especially when there is an annoyed man or woman behind you trying to catch a flight or actually get somewhere.
9. Don't bring your infant child to the movies, no matter how desperate you or your spouse are to get out of the house. It speaks volumes of your consideration vs self-sacrifice.
10. Remember you are unique. And so is everybody else.
Happy New Year. Don't be a fool.